Having a (Matzah) Ball!

Last night was the first night of Passover and today I feel like I ate a matzah ball the size of an elephant.


I don’t get it. They were light and fluffy going down. But now I feel like there is a matzah meal brick in my intestines and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to go to the bathroom for a month.

Everyone always says that being slaves in Egypt was the plight of the Jewish people. I think matzah was actually a bigger plight. In fact, I’m pretty sure that one of the reasons my people have such big bathroom issues today is because my ancestors had to eat matzah for decades while they wandered around the dessert back then.

Come to think of it, I’m sure Pharoh had a good laugh about that:

Ancient Egyptian: “Hey Pharoh, what a bummer, huh? Since that whole Exodus thing, there are no more slaves to build our pyramids.”
Pharoh: “Yeah, well. At least we know they will be really constipated for the next 40 years.”

I guess if the matzah tasted really great, we could get past the fact that it turns to cement in our bowels. Unfortunately, that is not the case. In fact, last night during our seder we ran out of matzah so we ate the cardboard box it came in instead. Tasted exactly the same.

Apparently matzah has the same effect on wildlife as it does on humans. As you know, we get a pair of ducks that come swim in our pool every spring. The first year they came, my daughter threw them a loaf of bread. No surprise then that the ducks came back the following year. But the next spring, the ducks arrived during Passover and we had no bread, so my daughter threw them a box of matzah. The previous summer, we had two months of duck poop in our pool. But when they came during Passover and ate the matzah, they got so stopped up they didn’t poop in the pool once.
Of course they were so weighed down from the matzah that eventually they couldn’t swim or fly either. I finally had to sneak them some Ex-lax for fear that PETA would come after me for matzah-inflicted animal cruelty.

You would think that because the matzah is so tasteless and difficult to digest, we would do our best to eat as little of it as possible. However, it seems we just can’t get enough of the stuff because we also have found ways to turn it into other food such as matzah ball soup, matzah meal pancakes, fried matzah, matzah blintzes, matzah lasagna and matzah pizza. If you thought one or two days of plain matzah was enough to wreak havoc on your system, you should see what a week of matzah lasagna and fried matzah can do to you. It is not uncommon for many women, post-Passover, to suffer from something called a “Matzah Ball Pregnancy.” A woman who has this looks like she is about five months pregnant, and will continue to look that way until she gives birth to a bouncing baby matzah ball… sans anesthesia.

So anyway… here we are now on day two of matzah week. When we get to the four questions again tonight during our seder and they ask why this night is different than all other nights, I will knowingly say: “Because we can’t go to the bathroom.”

©2011, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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