By Tracy Beckerman, author of the syndicated humor column, “Lost in Suburbia”
When I went down to Raleigh, North Carolina to visit The Balancing Act on their road tour, host Danielle Knox made the critical mistake of handing me a microphone and letting me roam the aisles to harass, I mean interview moms who were at the Southern Women’s Road Show.
The burning question I had for them was, “What was your most embarrassing mom moment?”
Surprisingly, a vast number of them could not come up with anything. I found this truly shocking considering I can pull about 6 of my own horrifying moments right out of a hat and could probably come up with 6 more if I am offered enough chocolate as an incentive.
I suspect it’s not that the southern women didn’t have any embarrassing moments. I think they were just too polite too share them.
I, however, do not have that problem. So, in order to give you readers the courage to come out with your own embarrassing mom moments, I am going to tell you my top ten.
…And then I am going to go hide in a cave.
Tracy’s Top Ten Most Embarrassing Mom Moments:
10. Eating out when my son was about a year old, he looked across the restaurant and started mooing. Sitting directly across from his barrage of moos was a woman who weighed about 200 pounds. She glared at me and then stormed out of the restaurant before I could explain that she was sitting right under a picture of a cow, which was what my son was actually mooing at.
9. At the elementary school with my 3 year-old daughter, I was talking to the principal about my son’s kindergarten class and my daughter kept interrupting.
“Mommy, mommy, mom, mama, mommy!!!” she chanted.
The principal finally looked at her and said, “Is there something you need, sweetie?”
My daughter responded, “I wasn’t talking to YOU, you big Bubba!”
8. While I was in the bathroom, I heard my five year-old daughter answer the phone.
“I’m sorry, my mommy can’t come to the phone. She’s in the bathroom and she’s conpistated.”
7. On the Supermarket checkout aisle. My daughter looked at the tabloid magazines and said to the next person on line, “My mommy looks just like the movie stars on the cover of this magazine.”
Plastered across the cover of the magazine were pictures of ugly butts and the headline said, “STARS WITH CELLULITE.”
6. At Disneyworld with my two kids waiting on line for the “It’s a Small World” ride, a Disney employee walked up to us to say hello and asked if we were having a good time. My son said, “My mom says it’s not a small world after all. She says it’s a big, freakin’ world and they are all on line for this ride.”
5. At the playground with my son. He spotted a parks employee bending over to pick up some trash.
He yelled at the top of his lungs: “LOOK MOMMY, I SEE A TUSHIE!!” The parks employee heard him. So did the rest of the state of New Jersey.
4. Overheard: My six year-old son and my four year-old daughter talking in the hall:
Him: Where is mom? We have to go to school!
Her: She’s putting on her makeup.
Him: Why does she have to wear makeup?
Her: To cover her zits and wrinkles.
3. My daughter to an older gentleman with a long white beard at the supermarket: “Thank you for bringing down the Ten Commandments.”
2. One night at a big family dinner, my four year-old daughter asked me where babies come from.
“The stork brings them,” I said.
She looked at me quizzically. “Is that after the storks have sex?”
And my NUMBER ONE embarrassing moment:
1. Out shopping with my 2 ½ year-old son and 6 month-old daughter, we returned to our car to find a meter maid writing me a ticket.
My son tugged on her pants leg and said, “I have a penis, my sister has a bagina.”
The meter maid smiled and said, “Really?”
“Yes,” said my son. He paused. “My mommy has a penis, too.”
The meter maid snorted and ripped up the ticket.
PS… Just for the record, I don’t actually have a penis.
PSS… Tell us YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOM MOMENTS!!