Seriously, who knew you could gain weight in your earlobes?
I’m not sure why this happens this way. It may be one of those mysteries of the universe, like why men lose hair from their head when they get older, but start growing it from their ears and their nose. Or why women suddenly start drawing clown eyebrows on their faces. Or why men start wearing their pants up under their armpits when they hit seventy.
While I have not yet started sketching my eyebrows on with a Sharpie, I have unfortunately fallen victim to the Wacky Weight Gain Syndrome. Most well known, perhaps, is ankle fat, or a condition called “cankles” (a combined term for ankles and calves). But then there are the lesser known “chicken wings” (the fat between your breasts and your armpits), “turkey wattle” (fat under your chin), and “drumsticks” (fat on the inside of your knees).
Is it just me or are you sensing a poultry theme here?
In my case, it didn’t actually start with the ear lobes and the armpits. It started with my upper arms. One day I had your average, run of the mill upper arms, and the next it appeared that I had sprouted wings. I hadn’t even gained that much weight. Whatever I already had just seemed to redistribute to my tricep area and drop. I wasn’t sure if this was some kind of strange flux in the space/time continuum and I was devolving into a pterodactyl, or if this was a genetic condition that afflicted all aging female Jews in preparation for our exodus to Florida.
What was even more frustrating was that I could do push ups and reverse push ups and backwards push ups until the cows came home, and I would still have so much loose skin under my upper arms that I could jump out of a plane without a parachute and be able to glide to safety.
Concerned that this trend might extend to other, even less desirable body parts, I consulted a trainer at my gym.
“I need your help,” I said to one of the uber-trainers, Betty Biceps. “I’m suffering from Wacky Weight Gain Syndrome.” Although she was 10 years older than I, she had zero percent body fat and arms like A-Rod. Since she appeared to be defying both the aging link and the genetic predisposition for Bingo Arms, I thought she would be the best person to talk to.
She looked me up and down and nodded.
“Oh wise workout guru,” I said to her. “Can you tell me the secret to not gaining weight in my knees, earlobes, and upper arms.”
She flexed a quad and looked me square in the eye.
“Don’t eat so much.”