Dear Mrs. Beckerman,
Thank you for your recent letter to White Cloud Bath Tissue. We are always happy to hear when a customer is pleased with one of our products. We take pride in the quality of our premium quality toilet paper at affordable prices and we’re glad that you find it to be superior to all other toilet papers on the market, whether used in the traditional sense, or, as in your case, as a super soft cushion for the casket of your deceased fish.
Unfortunately, while we do offer free replacement rolls for damaged or defective merchandise, we do not compensate our customers if their children use up our product by
a) hanging it from the tree limbs on Halloween;
b) wrapping it around the family dog to turn him into a Mummy; or
c) soaking it in a tub of water and glue to create the world’s largest paper maché guinea pig.
Thank you, however, for letting us know that our toilet paper is so strong it stayed intact on the tree limbs for an entire month. We’re not sure what we can do with that information, but we will certainly pass it on to our Product Development Group.
In reference to your daughter’s school project, the answer is no, to the best of our knowledge, we have never had a customer write an entire book report on a roll of our toilet paper. Our squares have been used (unofficially) to make spitballs, cootie-catchers, Barbie dresses, and bra padding, among other things, but this is our first reported usage for a written school assignment. We congratulate your daughter for her ingenuity in coming up with such a creative solution when she ran out of looseleaf paper. We hope she got an “A” on her report.
Furthermore, we were intrigued to hear that your dog seems to prefer the taste of our toilet paper to our competitor’s. No, we have not conducted canine taste tests with our toilet paper (nor human taste tests for that matter), so we were surprised to learn that ours may be more flavorful. However, since this fact does not have any effect on the real purpose of our product, we will decline your suggestion to advertise this feature in Dog Fancy magazine. Additionally, while it’s certainly not one of the major food groups, we can assure you that there is really no harm in your dog ingesting an occasional square of our toilet paper…as long as it is unused.
Because you are a valued customer, we are enclosing a coupon for our new Green Earth Recycled Fiber Bath Tissue. It has all the same qualities you love in our regular quilted toilet paper, but it is made with 100% recycled materials! Please note, this product is intended for use in the bathroom and not for special effects, nouvelle cuisine, home decorating, fashion, pop art, cleavage enhancement, or hair replacement. However, we hope it serves you well in all your other various needs.
White Cloud Bath Tissue, The Smart Alternative
PS. No, we have not been able to fix that toilet-paper-sticking-to-the-bottom-of-your-shoe problem, yet… but we’re working on it.
Note: For more LOST IN SUBURBIA, visit Tracy Beckerman at http://www.lostinsuburbia.net