My Big, Fat, Hollywood Blockbuster Summer


In a summer of huge blockbusters, sequels and prequels, it might seem odd that I didn’t go to one, single movie.

I didn’t have to. I lived them.

For instance, in the movie, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the world is taken over by a less-evolved, genetically altered species. This actually happened in our house, too. Only in our house, the less evolved species are not called apes. They are called teenagers. Instead of being genetically altered, they are hormonally challenged. And instead of taking over the world, they took over the TV remote, the bathrooms and the refrigerator.

Then there was Cowboys and Aliens. In this movie an extra-terrestrial species arrives to take over the earth and a band of cowboys on horseback have to take them down. The exact same thing happened in our house, except in our case the aliens were teenagers (see description of Planet of the Apes) and the hero wasn’t a cowboy on horseback but rather a mom in an SUV.

The fourth Pirates of the Carribbean movie starred a guy named Johnny who wears too much eyeliner while he looks for the Fountain of Youth. Our version starred a woman called Mommy who wears too much Spanx while she looks for the Fountain of less Cellulite.

In The Hangover Part II, some guys travel to Bangkok for a friend’s wedding and they end up with a monkey. In Bridesmaids, some ladies plan a friend’s wedding and they have to wear ugly dresses.
Coincidentally, I went to a wedding this summer and I had to wear an ugly bridesmaid dress that made me look like a monkey.

I actually would have liked to see The Green Lantern, where a test pilot is granted a mysterious green ring that bestows him with otherworldly powers. It would have been more entertaining than our version where my son created a mysterious green ring around his bathtub that I could only get rid of using a scrubbing cleanser with otherworldly powers.

In the Transformers movie, alien cars and trucks called Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and unleash the power within.
Yeah, well, my coffeemaker did that, too.

Finally, in the last installment of the Harry Potter movie a teeenage wizard triumphs over evil, grows up, and has his own family.

We’re still waiting on that one.

©2011, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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