Ovary and Above the Call of Duty

I really don’t understand the point of a uterus and ovaries once you are done having kids. I think once you make up your mind that the kitchen is closed, you lady parts should just fall out so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.

I’m 47 and my kids have one foot out the door to college, so for me, the idea of having more kids is about as tempting as getting Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Although a lot of my friends in a similar stage of life have gone in for the Housewife Hysterectomy Special, I’m not a big fan of surgery unless some doctor is willing to throw in a Tummy Tuck and some Lipo for free.

Yes, I know there are some good hormones associated with having all my lady parts intact. But my hors are not happy. My hors are moaning about having to keep up production this late in the game. And since my doctor has assured me that I show no signs of early or even late menopause, I get to keep on being pre-post-peri and during menopausal three to four weeks out of every month.


The problem for me is that although everything is still in working order, I have developed a Cranky Uterus. I’m not sure if this is an actual medical term or just something my doctor came up with because he thought it was an adjective I could understand. My uterus gets upset when I ovulate and it stays upset until the whole cycle is complete. I can relate. I’ve been known to hold a grudge too. However, I can usually be won over with chocolates, flowers or jewelry. My uterus is not that easily swayed.

Having a Cranky Uterus obviously makes me cranky which makes my husband unhappy. Having survived two Cranky Pregnancies, two very Cranky Labor and Deliveries, and some really, really Cranky Hemorrhoids (are there any other kind?), he’s pretty much had it with my Petulant Lady Parts. He said if we spent nearly as much time talking about his Moody Male Parts, I would have divorced him years ago. I told him his male parts have two settings: Happy or Waiting to Be Happy and therefore, there is nothing to discuss aside from the fact that when my Uterus is Cranky, he is stuck in that Waiting to Be Happy place for a good long while which, obviously makes him very Unhappy.

At my most recent check up, I told my doctor the saga of my Cranky Uterus, my Moaning Hors and my husband’s Unhappy Male Parts and he told me I had two options: either get my lady parts sucked out with a straw, or deal with them and stick it out until the hot flashes set in.

Since neither option really floated my boat, I decided to buy my Uterus some Chocolate and try to woo it to a happier place. Hopefully that place is a nice womb with a view.

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.


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