A couple of months ago, I mentioned to the Mr. that we should do a juice fast along with colon hydrotherapy. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. A.) I wanted him to drink only juices with no food for X amount of days and B.) I was asking him to “get a tube stuck up his arse” as he put it. We never did the fast.
Fast forward to last week…..I had my first colon hydrotherapy session. It was uncomfortable but I did feel different after it was over. (I will share this experience on another blog post.) This same week, the Mr. sent me a text messaging telling me we HAD to do a juice fast…a 10 day one….10 DAYS….WHAT?!?!? He had spoken to a coworker who has lost ALOT of weight and who felt great. So, he felt the best thing to do was purchase the juicer and get to juicing.
We were both nervous yesterday preparing for this week’s fast. It’s only 3 days. Can’t be THAT bad. Last night I made a *practice* juice so we knew what we’d be drinking for the next 3 days. It was good. I like fresh juices. I used the green recipe from the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.
Our fast began today. I’ve had fruit and veggie juices all day. But, a few things started to happen that has changed my mind about fasting. I am not a normal yo-yo dieter. You know….the ones who say….”I will start my diet on Monday.” I don’t work that way. My mind set is completely different. I am a former anorexic and just had a relapse last year. I was 112lbs which was alarmingly thin for my 5’6 body frame. This is the thing, I KNOW what is bad. I KNOW I shouldn’t starve myself. I KNOW being that thin is bad. But, left brain and right brain don’t always agree. If I start a diet, there’s a risk of becoming obsessed. That’s exactly what happened last year. That’s exactly what I am afraid of happening again.
Today’s fast, this one day, made me feel awful. I was absolutely exhausted, had a headache, a stomach ache from the juices and from no food….I really just felt bad. Do you know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of the way I felt when I was anorexic….a feeling that I don’t miss. I didn’t feel in control today as I so often felt when battling my eating disorder. That made it worse.
Last year during my relapse, I had a couple of people who really tried to help me thru my battle. In an email to one of them…I was trying to explain my day to day mindset, I said ” if I’m going to get better I must try……I half a roll with Harlow…..we have chicken alfredo…….I specifically add ingredients to my own bowl that are meant to boost metabolism…..crushed red pepper for example…..I eat it on LOTS of things. That and cayenne pepper……I eat my half of the roll and start to eat some of the alfredo…..5 bites……excruciating pain……it’s punishment for eating…..I knew I shouldn’t have……that’s what I get….the pain is unbelievable…..who knew eating could do that. I throw the rest of the food out. I don’t want any more. ”
In another paragraph I said, “it’s time for Harlow’s bath……carrying her up the stairs……makes me tired….I give her a bath…..I’m feeling dizzy and the pain in my stomach from eating is still there. My legs hurt….my ribs hurt so bad I could cry…..my hair comes out every time I run my hands through it……like a shedding dog…..I’m really really exhausted mentally and physically.”
I do not want to feel like the above and today was a reminder. Yes, I had juices and wasn’t starving myself completely but I still had those feelings. It took me to my past.
I don’t have to fast to be healthy. I can easily drink these juices, eat salads and still enjoy other foods I like. I spent 15 years not eating what I wanted….being afraid of gaining weight…..and then punishing myself if I did eat those foods. I want to enjoy the rest of my life. I don’t want my daily activities surrounded around what I eat.
Would I like to lose weight? YES but I rather do it by adding more exercise. If I start something like this…I risk the chance of not being able to stop. I am a mother to three wonderful children and I have an amazing significant other. Englishman in the QC and our kiddos depend on me. A simple 3 day fast could literally kill me. I had a stroke when I was very young……caused by my aneroxia. I can’t risk that again.
Readers of this may think I have failed…that I just didn’t want to fast.
Let me be clear, I am an expert at starving myself. I did it for many years and was VERY successful at losing the weight I wanted to lose and when I wanted to lose it. I do not want to be her anymore. Think of it this way, you probably wouldn’t ask a recovering alcoholic to keep alcohol in their cabinets would you? I must keep myself away from triggers. I know my triggers. Some months…..years…I may be at a healthy weight…..like now…..noone would think I have a food problem by looking at me. I am not overweight but I am curvy. This could change from one trigger.
Do I think this will always be a struggle for me? Possibly. Maybe one day these thoughts won’t enter my mind. Who knows. But for now, a year ago is still fresh in my mind.
So, I will end today’s fast. But, I will eat tomorrow.